I did it again.
Dear God,
I know I said I wasn’t going to anymore, I know I cried my eyes out because of how dirty and unworthy I felt, but somehow that wasn’t enough to stop me from going right back to it.
I can slowly feel myself growing colder and colder. I avoid things that concern you, and our routine conversations have turned to quick "bless this food" or "keep me safe while I sleep" prayers because I am exhausted from pouring my heart out again and again. I miss you Father. I wish I had the discipline required to shut off the parts of me that do not agree with you, but from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep, I am reminded of my inadequacy to live a life that truly pleases you.
I have gone through so many phases. I was confident, and then I was not. I have felt dirty, I have felt like it is impossible to please you, and I have felt like a hypocrite. God, I am just being honest. It's hard.
Why is it so hard to stay on the right track? It seems like every time I take one step forward I take two steps backward right after. Why? Which thought patterns are making it so difficult for me to change?
Lord, I have come to even doubt if I truly have a relationship with you because I've forgotten what it looks like. Please remind me.
You know I've tried, and I am trying to find the motivation to live for you. I lack nothing physically. You've given me more than I could ask for; however, I have all these insecurities creeping up at my door and sin weighing me down. I can't help but feel defeated. God, I am just being honest.
I am also afraid. Afraid that if I commit to not doing it again I would go right back to it, afraid that I am not strong enough to endure temptation; basically, afraid that I will fail again so, I’ve stopped trying. I know that sounds crazy, but here is the thing:
Despite all of these fears and inadequacies, I have no choice but to fully depend on you for my freedom. We both know that me doing it my way will never work, so there really is no other way. I know that true freedom, the kind that makes me choose life because it’s an option, can only come from you, so all my efforts are in vain without you. I pray that you grant me the courage and discipline to make the right choice next time I am tempted and that I may never lose hope that I will not only get to please you here on earth, but also see you one day and hear you say: "well done…", not because of my perfect behavior, but because I made a conscious choice every day to NEVER GIVE UP!
1 Timothy 6:12
"Fight the good fight of faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you..."
To my brother or sister reading this, I pray that you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone, and that sin does not have control over your life.
We are not our sins, and God does not see us as too damaged to save. As long as we run back to Him, His grace is sufficient to welcome us back into His loving embrace. That's what I choose to believe even in the midst of disappointment. The enemy wants you to give up, but that is not an option. Keep fighting!
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